jerusalemcalls

Sorry I've been gone for so long.

So sum it all up:

Denied at UVA.

Accepted into William and Mary, UNC, VCU, and the University of Chicago.

Also, I want to hang out with you, babilu . I'll send you a text or call you or something.

I'm happy to say that I'm probably the happiest I've ever been during a school year. I've been making a lot of great changes. Of course, there are some things that I'm not quite on top of, but oh well.

I've gotten rid of sources of stress in my life.
I've started running (thirty minutes a day!).
I've started making my own money.

UNC invited me down for an all-expenses paid weekend in April. Free hotel and food. Sweet. Speaking of colleges, less than a month until decisions come out. Yikes.

Also, my grandmother does not have cancer! We had a very serious scare in January.

I called a few friends and we went sledding today. Then we went to Panera's and had hot chocolate. It was nice.

I've also realized how much I'm banking on this scholarship to Germany. It's a little ridiculous. I hope to science I get the scholarship,

I saw Rachel Getting Married today. The premise of the movie is as follows: Kym, fresh out of rehab, goes home a few days before her sister's wedding and is basically upset because she's not the center of attention. It's must better than that but whatevs.

I find myself in a similar situation as Rachel. I have a (once) close friend who has, in the past few years, done nothing but give me negative energy and experiences. She broke the camel's back in January with a rude, blunt, and amazingly insensitive joke that me realize that I did not want her as a friend.

Well, a week ago she texted me that she was "about to do something stupid" at around one in the morning. She is a sensitive person and has always been fragile. She doesn't know how to handle friendships or even show gratidude - only self loathing in every case. Of course I end up picking her up and taking her to eat at a 24-hour diner in down. Everything she complained about was her own god damned fault. Every single last thing. I just shut up and agreed (because with that kind of text message, I don't want to take any chances). I'm surprised to see a young woman stuck in what I thought were emotions for middle school.

In the movie, Rachel isn't bothered by her sister for a very long time (as she's in rehab) but she comes back at the worst possible time (her wedding, my "self-reinvention") to bring everyone down. But it made me realize that that is the way people are. People will always be the same. You can hope they will change; you can listen to their promises. But in the end, a person will always fundamentally be the same. My friend will always be without friends or companionship because she wont allow anyone to show her how to be a friend or even a good daughter (which is a whole other story).

I was surprised at the end of the movie when Rachel took her sister in at her low and nurtured her. I admire Rachel for this, because I certainly could never imagine myself doing the same with my friend. I feel horrible saying this, but it's the truth.

For once, I want to surround myself with people who care, love, and want to live to their fullest capacity. I'm just starting, but so far it's working out well.

I don't plan on initiating communication with this girl again. I don't know how I feel about this. Am I abandoning someone who needs me? I don't think so. But what if I am? 

I wish I had the initiative to write more often.

I'm not sure if it's me who changes... or them.

I stretched and yawned loudly as slowly slipped back into consciousness. The cable box blinked "6:00." I stood up, waking up my legs and forcing them to drag me to my room.

Gmail was still up on my laptop.

"Congress Bundestag Youth Exchange Notification." The email I'd been waiting for for months, sitting there highlighted in light blue. My mind was still fogged from my sleep when I clicked on the email, which, perhaps, dulled any emotion I felt.

"We were impressed with your application, and after careful review, we are interested in learning more about your desire to live and study in Germany," read the first line. Half of me told me I should be estatic; the other half told me to crawl back in bed.

It finally kicked in about an hour later, haha. I can't wait for the interview - one step closer to an AMAZING gap year.

I've noticed while that my life may be shitty at some points, but the big plans always fall into place. (See: filling out the FAFSA without my parents' help, Friday, all of last week, today, etc).

I don't know what has left me such a bundle of nerves lately.

I played truant and skipped school yesterday to go visit UNC and Duke. To make a very long story short, UNC's tour sucked, but the campus was pretty nice. I wasn't able to see as much as I wanted to see, but I'm visiting again on the 16th, so no problems.

I don't know what to think about Duke. I mean, it was nice, and sure, it's prestigious, but I'm still iffy about it. I really shouldn't worry about it because I know they wont offer me admission, so no big deal.

So what else has left me feeling so weird?

My grandma was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus. She had a cat scan and it revealed "spots" in her lungs. I'm afraid she wont be able to visit UNC with me again next time I'm down there, because she wants to go with me so badly.

I have an interview with Brown, and I really just don't want to have anymore interviews.

UVA says I'm missing materials from my application, but they don't want me to call and ask about it.

UMiami's decisions were supposed to come out yesterday, so I know a lot of people who got them with really nice scholarships, and I'm left here without anything as of yet.

I've been slacking on my homework. I guess I'll wait till the mail comes, then I'll really start on it again.

I think I have unrealistically high expectations for what a university should be like. I don't know what they are, but I know I haven't found "the one" yet. Maybe I should give up and go with the consolation prize?

My grade for gov't still hasn't shown up on edline. I really need to get these grades out, Missy, so update them already. 

I've been asking myself lately if I actually have friends.

I should probably be working on bio, English, or government right now - oh well.

Today started off quite shitty. I was late to school, so now I have after school detention (HAHA, fuck that), which will rid me of a Friday afternoon. Then some people just frustrated me, and last night wasn't too good anyways.

During lunch I was talking to my friend about my bio class, and she asks if we dissect anything, and I said no, so she says, "Well, why don't you dig up your cat and bring him in for extra credit?"

WHAT?

Really? Really now? I just gave her that "that's not funny, fuck you" stare and went my other way. I don't know if it's me, or I just choose really shitty people to be friends with. How can you be so insensitive? I don't know... but it definitely didn't make my day better.

NHS tutoring was fun. I started talking to CJ afterwards, and he told me UNC was releasing their decisions today or tomorrow. I applied early to UNC, but I wasn't expecting to get it - getting in there is hard as a bitch IF you're out of state, which I am.

lol wut? "Why would they put that on there if I didn't get in," I thought to myself. Then I clicked on "View your admissions decision" and scanned the first line. I GOT IN. I GOT INTO UNC CHAPEL HILL OUT OF STATE. HOLY SHIT. I screamed and started shaking. It's funny how something I was so non chalant about ever since I submitted my application suddenly became so exciting.

So of course I called everyone in my family telling them, because I'm god damned excited.

A couple hours ago it hit me - how the FUCK am I going to pay for this? HOW?

I guess when April comes, I'll compare every college's offer. But everything is so confusing. I like VCU just as much as Chicago and Georgetown and UNC, and I just don't know exactly what to think? I guess I can savor the moment until April, when the really difficult part comes.

talking with her makes me realize nothing that I think is important actually is.

thank you.


two pieces in progress. only 14 more to go.

you know when you're feeling so scrambled you just want to scream? where you know what's going on at any given moment, and you'd give anything to be ignorant for a few hours? I got an email from a Duke alumnus, and he wants to interview me at his store in Carytown. Neat, I guess, but for some reason I'm really stressing about it. It's not even like Duke is my first choice - it's just a "eh, let's see if I get in" school.

I guess I should be doing my bio write up, or my history paper, or any one of my plethora of assignments I have due Monday and Tuesday.

I'm also pretty worried that it's been an entire semester and I've only finished a fourth of my portfolio. Eeeeehhhhh

I started working on a few papers, got stressed, and went out to get some coffee.

Me: Can I get the venti iced coffee with the Pike blend, please?
Cashier: Uhhh, Pike doesn't come iced.
Me: Well, can I get it iced?
Cashier, with confusion and attitude: Uh.... I guess so.

I guess the internet doesn't recreate our interation so faithfully. Let me assure you, this was hilarious, and I bit my lip to stop from laughing.

SO I AM DONE WITH
COLLEGE APPLICATIONS.
AFTER 17 COLLEGES,
I JUST WANT TO SHOOT
MYSELF.


at this point in my life, I'm happy/sad. I really need to lose some weight (i just want to fit in my old jeans :/ ) and have some more fun. Of course, finding someone special would be nice, but HAHAHA not happening.

I'm trying to figure out if I can take a road trip anywhere wednesday - sunday. i'd like to, but gas = 0. I know what I want to do for beach week, though. graduation the 4th, leave for NYC after, stay until 9-13 (thank god for friends who live near NYC). while i'm there, I'd like to actually go to some clubs, since I'll finally fuckin be 18, maybe mingle.

then I'd like to go to Portland, san francisco, or the beach. My family has a shitty old RV... why not use it?

also, I'm seriously considering taking a gap year and deferring my enrollment where ever I decide to go. I've applied to a free, year-long program in Germany, but if I don't get in, I'm looking at joining up with Volunteers For Peace or making my own arrangements to volunteer/live at a refugee camp in/near Palestine (haha, considering what's happening now.. I'm rethinking this).




( now i'm going to post some college essays )

 oh my god, it's tomorrow...

 I completed my CBYX application today. I'm a little miffed by the fact two other people from my school are also applying for it, but I take solace in the fact that I probably am better qualified, thanks to Governor's Academy, and that Wyatt helped me a lot. He read over my essays multiple times, letting me know what sounded good and what didn't. Now that I've written all six essays and my host family letter, it's all ready to send off, pending my passport photo I'm going to get at wallgreens tomorrow.

Tomorrow marks basically the final week of school for the year. I may come in on Tuesday to take a test and a quiz, but that's it. I also might come in to finish up my portfolio... but that'd be it. 

Today I was in some dollar-tree-like store, and I had this horrible realization - what if I don't get into my top choices? (cough UChicago, William and Mary cough). I realize that where you go to college isn't important prestige-wise, but I feel like those are the only two schools I really "fit," or that really fit me. I know UChicago is way out of my reach.. but what if I don't get into W&M? I always kind of assumed, in the back of my mind, that I would, but I'm not sure. bleck. What I really need is to relax and not think about college, but about all the other shit I have to do. At least this weekend was semi-productive. 

to do
- eng hw
- spanish project
- print portfolio
- passport photo, then mail off CBYX application (AHHHH)
- research, write abstract
- a few more college essays.. just a few!
- ask the school's orchestra teacher if he, or his students, would mind writing some music for my project.


I think during the break I'll make my way up to DC, maybe just by myself. I'd like some time just to reflect..

 I'm always surprised with the world. It seems that there is always so much going on - so much to love, to fight for, to hate. What do I have?

I've been thinking a lot about my future. I've also decided to apply to seven more colleges - on the condition that I do not get into either Georgetown or Chicago. So I probably will be applying to all those colleges. I don't know why I do it to myself. I'm paying all the fees myself - I hate mooching off my parents so much (but do I have a source of income?). I know I'll get into a few - but when I ask myself "Which ones matter most?", the answer is always the ones that are reaches. Why can't I be in tune with my reality - must I constantly live beyond my means? It's good to reach for the moon - but isn't there some line that should be drawn somewhere - anywhere? 

Today I bought a Macbook. It's pretty cool. I had an issue with the trackpad at first - but a software update fixed that up. It can do a lot of neat things. After I got it, I came home, did some HW, messed around on the internet a while, then showered and left for the movies. I saw, no joke - Madagascar 2, Bolt, and the new James Bond.

I wish I was as rugged looking as whatever his name is who plays Bond, haha.

Watching Madagascar was the biggest pick me up ever. It was just a feel-good movie all over. Then I moved on to Bolt - which was really hard to watch. The secondary character looked just like Oreo, so I was tearing up like hell left and right. I blamed the red eyes on my contacts.

The Bond movie was pretty good - cinematically it was A+. Story-wise, it was okay. Nothing super special. 

This entire thing in India makes me want to visit the country so badly. I know that's probably the opposite of what I should be feeling when I watch CNN, but it's true. I'm really sick of this already.

I never really update this as often as I'd like.

This weekend is the first weekend in about two months that I have been completely free/able to sleep in. Only I didn't sleep in this weekend (because I fell asleep at 7PM and woke up at 8:30AM). I watched Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay.

I've started tutoring this girl from Dinwiddie for the SATs. It's already stressful.. I just hate seeing someone who wants to get into a college fail so horribly at the application process. The 6th is her only chance to take the SATs, and she hasn't taken the SAT subject tests, which UVA, her top chocie, requires. She's just so ill prepared for it all - but it's not completely her fault, when taking into consideration her background. I will just try my hardest, hope I don't disappoint, and hope she gets in to where she wants to go. At least I get $10 an hour in the process... and I'm expecting there to be more than 20 hours.

Speaking of college, December 15th is coming up really soon. I know I wont get into UChicago, UNC, or Georgetown.. but I can at least count on Miami, haha. I still have yet to start my essays for Rice or UVA. I submitted my application to William and Mary a few weeks ago... I think it's where I will end up at if I get in. I went to go take photographs today.. and I got a few good ones.

Here's one of the essays I wrote for the University of Chicago:

These past few weeks have been pretty good. I was pretty sick at the beginning of this week, so getting to Friday took much longer than usual, although it still didn't seem like long.

Around Thursday I kinda fell into a weird depression. I'm not sure what started it, and I'm not so sure I want it to end.

I went to the Folk Festival tonight. Lots of interesting people. I went with Jessie, who's ridiculously fun.

I planned on writing something longer, but oh well.

I wish I could choose a favorite college and stick with it.

One of my friends introduced me to Rice University today... and I think I'm in love. It's got everything I want: small class size, beautiful architecture, great location. Now if only I can add 50 points to my SAT...

Today was really bad/good. We talked about deaths of pets in Spanish class, so it took all of what I had to bite my cheek and keep from bursting. It's still so fresh.

Then I left school early for Battle of the Brains. Our result: we lost. But I'm conflicted as to whose fault it is - if anyone's. We were choosing categories, and to my left, my teammate was practically yelling "The Brady Bunch." I heard the same from the right. I felt really bad about it - I wanted to chose "Product Slogans," but I trusted the instinct of the team. "The Brady Bunch," I figured, was going to be pretty easy, mostly about plot, maybe characters, etc. NOT. They asked us LITERALLY the name of the actor who played EACH AND EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON BOTH THE TV SHOW AND THE MOVIES. We didn't even get ONE right. I was flabbergasted. Of course... "Product Slogans" was ridiculously easy. I knew the answers to all of them.

Which brings me to the question: was it my fault that I listened to my team against my better judgment? or was it my team's fault? - or was it no one's fault?

I feel like I should have gone with my gut instinct - that IS a leader's job - to choose what's best for the team, even if it's not what the team wants. I also feel like it's no one's fault. While we were incorrect in assuming the type of questions we were going to be asked, I think what we thought they were going to be was perfectly reasonable. Maybe the party at fault is the question maker - or maybe I should stop trying to justify it all.

So far it's really been strange - this school year, that is. It's like I've got a lot of work, along with college admissions stress, plus the urge to go out more often and do less no-fun things.

So it's been six weeks since my cat died. I guess it sounds stupid to say it still hurts so badly, but it does. I feel bad when I say that it's the first death I've ever experienced (because I know people who have had to lead with so much death and pain), but it affects each of us basically the same way, no matter the situation.

I wrote a college essay about my experience and decided to take it to the only person I know that I thought would be good at creative writing or whatever. Giving it to Ms. Mix felt a little weird. I barely know her, and to show her such a personal side of myself not even my parents have seen seems weird, but I think it's a stranger's perspective I'm seeking.

I gave it to her on Tuesday of last week, and she read it over the weekend. At back to school night, she mentioned to me, in front of my mom, that something really similar had happened to her, and that we have a lot to talk about. My mom asked me later what she was talking about, and reluctantly I told her I wrote a college essay about Oreo. She wanted to read it, but I don't think I'll ever be able to let her.

I have yet to talk to Ms. Mix about my essay, our schedules are so busy. In class today, she did reference my essay a few times. Of course, I was the only one who got what she was saying. In the essay, I compared Plato's Allegory of the Cave to life and death, and when she announce we'd be reading the allegory, she looked straight at me the entire time. She does this weird staring thing sometimes, but whatever. The people around me noticed, so I felt a little awk.

The lecture today included some notes about the grief cycle. I didn't know whether to look at her, as if to say, "Yes, I know what you're thinking" or to avert my glace, so I chose the latter. A lot of what we talked about today actually did apply to my essay - I'm not sure if it was purposeful or not, though.

When we discussed symbolism of numbers, specifically twelve, she mentioned the twelve animals of the zodiac. She told the class she was a Gemini and asked if anyone else was. I was the only one to raise my hand, which felt both cool and weird at the same time.

She looked at me and said, "I totally understand. We see eye to eye - we're on the same level" while pointing at her eyes, then pointing at me. I wasn't really sure what to say.

She told me she wanted to talk about everything w/ my essay, but I have so many questions for her - her life seems like it has been incredibly challenging - I'd like to know where she comes from. So far, it seems like, personality-wise, we're similar. Hopefully when we talk about my essay she'll be able to give me great advice, not just on the essay, but on what lays ahead.

Everything is weird.

House comes on tonight, but I'll be at an awards banquet for my teacher. She's the teacher of the year (and deservedly so!), so I'm presenting her with flowers. As I was talking with her today about her family, I found out her first husband died in an automobile accident. I felt for her, but I also felt a sense of admiration for her. She is a strong, smart woman. She reminds me a bit of my mother - it's her laugh (and hairstyle).

I just hope that when I go off to college, graduate, and start my life, I'll have good influences and even better friends - ones that will remind me of both life and death.

schools is good. I get to leave at 11:30 on odd days and still get full credit/no absences. I think I really made out.

also, my mom's a great cook. thanks mom.